What Fathers Really Need

by Marty Sochet and David Cole

More and more fathers are dedicated to spending time with their children and cultivating healthy, loving relationships that will last a lifetime. It's a very exciting development and a pleasure to all who are involved. Nevertheless, every diligent father, whether he acknowledges it or not, carries around a truckload of questions and concerns. "Am I doing this right? Why does my daughter talk that way? Why is my son behaving like that? Why can't I get through?"

Most of us carry around concerns such as these without ever dealing with them directly. We respond to our children as well as we can at any given moment, and oftentimes we are pleased with results. At other times we wonder whether we shouldn't be doing something more or something else. We go about our lives with a certain sense of satisfaction, aware of all our efforts to be good fathers, and, at the same time, we flog ourselves for not living up to our inherited image of the powerful, independent man who can do anything and never asks for help.

Twenty years after the image of the strong, silent man has become the subject of ridicule, we continue to carry the burden of this image—and the isolation it engenders—and nowhere is this burden more poignant than in our role as fathers. We are isolated from the information, the feedback, the companionship, and the help that would allow us to enjoy more fully the process of raising our children and to do what we most sincerely long for, to be good fathers.

Fortunately, there are steps we can take to address this concern.

Working Together

Even though raising children is a shared activity for most of us, we tend to feel alone and isolated as fathers, and in a sense we are. Unless you engage your wife or partner in a regular dialogue about your children you are each going about your jobs alone. Both of you can benefit by scheduling 10 minutes at the end of each day to talk about the things that concern you. You don't have to solve any problems in these 10 minutes. In fact, that's not the point. Just sharing your experiences helps you feel less alone. The act of sharing your thoughts and feelings tells your partner that you need to be needed, and conversely that she is needed. When you feel close to your partner and supported in your efforts to be a good parent, you'll have more resources for supporting your child in his or her needs. You will have more to give.

One of the most important and difficult aspects of parenting is to keep from making our children meet our emotional needs. It's a trap that's easy to fall into, especially when we feel lonely or inadequate. We want our children to be nice, to be sweet, to be loving, to show us how much they love us, because we have not had our emotional needs met. And so we get angry at them for being kids. When they act with the normal selfishness and impatience and frustration that comes from being a child we blame them. We know it's not right, but we can't help ourselves.

Connecting as Fathers

The second thing we can do, and this is perhaps difficult and unnatural for most men, is to find other fathers with whom we can share our questions and feelings about fathering. The moment you tell a man he might benefit by talking with other men about what it feels like to be a father, you have acknowledged a need that makes even the most dedicated father uncomfortable. It's this very discomfort that creates distance between fathers and keeps them form supporting each other in the task they are so concerned about.

The fact is, we've been taught to be isolated, and the opposite of isolation is sharing. To break out of this mold is immensely challenging, but if you can find other fathers with whom you can speak honestly, you'll be amazed at how rewarding it can be. Here are some suggestions for creating relationships that can support you in the process of fathering. First, try to find other fathers who are willing to get together regularly and just talk about their experiences as fathers. Second, you need to agree that everything you say is completely confidential. It's hard enough talking about your insecurity and cares to another person; you certainly want to feel that your privacy is protected. Third, and this is really hard for most men, don't give advice unless asked for it. As men we are trained to solve problems. If someone says, "I had a really hard day at work," we feel as though we must offer a solution. In fact, a word of sympathy is equally helpful, and usually more appropriate. The final rule to keep in mind for getting together with others is to remember that you can say no to anything they ask you. You don't have to share anything you don't feel comfortable sharing, and others should respect you for that, just as you would respect their feelings of privacy.

Information Helps

One more thing we can do—the thing that most of us would automatically do under other circumstances—is to get information. Information alone doesn't solve a problem, but it's pretty hard to solve a problem without adequate information or with wrong information. Do you know, for instance, what is normal and what is appropriate for your child's age group? Maybe the "problem" you've been worrying about is just normal behavior for your child's age. Are you, in fact, around other kids your child's age?

When you go to buy a car you research the specs of different makes. You get a sense of the range of features and how different models handle. In contrast, do you know how much or how little a six year old is capable of understanding? Do you know the needs and desires of a ten year old? When you offer support and guidance and correction do you have a sense of what he can understand, or what she can do on her own?

Teaching Your Children How to be Open

Fathering is a lifelong process. Your children will still be your children no matter how old they are. The problems and joys that absorb you today will be replaced with different concerns and new pleasures. Along the way, however, you can help yourself by getting the support you need. You don't need to go it alone, and you shouldn't have to. Even more important, when your children see you go it alone, they get the message that that's the way parenting is done. When it comes time for them to be parents, they will follow your example of isolation. Why not begin now to help yourself, your children, and your grandchildren?